Life sucks and then you die.

And for leaving me here, feeling like an empty fucking shell.

I just finished watching the second season of Dance Academy.
I cried when Sammy died.
I’ve been crying too much lately.
I remember once a upon a time, when I rarely cried and when I did cry, it was while I was standing in the shower, all alone with the scolding hot water falling down around me.
I hate it when they kill off a character in a show that I really like. Like Sammy, reminds me just a little bit of Aaron, not a lot but enough that it bugs me.
It also brings me back to the news we got on Tuesday…
And the question that’s weighing on my mind.
I feel this fierce sadness gripping my heart, and I’m trying so hard not to just curl in a ball and bawl my eyes out.
Neil went to church with us once, it was an accomplishment.
We were so happy that he’d finally agreed to come, sometimes he was sarcastic but he was an amazing person. And some how…he was family too.
I remember, we had hoped that maybe just maybe he’d come to know Christ as his Lord.
But not knowing the answer is what brings me to the question that I can’t shake from my thoughts.

Neil, where are you?

I would like to delude myself into thinking that someday, when I pass from this life and into the next that I’ll get to see you again.
But the more I think on it, the more I cry.
What if you never did? What if your spending all eternity in hell…
I know some people may read this and mock me, because I’m quite obviously Christian. But to each his own.
I want to believe that I’ll see you again someday, that I’ll see the way your eyes lit up whenever my mom introduced you as her other child again.
I’d like to believe that there’s that chance, but I’m so scared that there’s not.
I wish I could be like I was with Joe, Crystal, Len, Grandpa, Grandma, Julie and so many others. I wish I could find some sort of peace because I knew without a doubt that someday I will see them again.
But with you, I’m so, so uncertain and it kills me.

So as I take a shakey break and wipe the tears from my eyes, I’ll try to believe that your in a better place.
And that one day we’ll all see you again.

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